February 1, 2019:      US Government Rocks!

Yes, a strange heading given the current news, but I can report a very positive experience with our government bureaucracy.

As you are likely aware from my previous missives – and surely you all keep up with these things – I recently applied to start receiving Social Security benefits. This was back in September.   

Several weeks later, while sitting around the breakfast table, the phone rang, The caller ID said it was the US Government.  Normally I’d let that go to voice mail as spam.  However I’d given out our phone # on the Social Security application, so I picked up the phone – and on the other side was a nice woman from our government.   I’ll summarize our conversation(s) thusly:

“Hello – Mr. Heilner?”

“Yes, this is he”

“This is [redacted] from Social Security.  We see you recently applied to start receiving Social Security payments.  Your application is all in order.”

“That’s good to hear”

“However, you are entitled to more money.  Is it OK if we send that to you?”

“WTF?  What’s the catch?”

“No catch.”

“Hmm, let me think about that.  {2 seconds pass]  OK I’ve thought about it.  Yes, you have my permission to send me extra money”

Now I’m skipping over many, many complex details here –  but the essence is correct.   The diligent employees at the Social Security offices went out their way to give us extra money.   US government rocks – at least occasionally  . . .

Meanwhile, you will not get any extra money by coming to hear me play, but you will get extra pleasure.

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February 2, Saturday, 9:00PM-1:00AM – Better Off Dead at The Great Notch Inn, Route 46, Little Falls  (973) 256-7742
Ah – the start of Better of Dead’s 2019 tour.  Right where we left off.  It’ll be cold outside but once your cross the historic threshold of “da Notch” the smoking hot music will keep you warms.
http://www.betteroffdead.com/home.htm/
http://www.agreatertown.com/little_falls_nj/great_notch_inn_new_jerseys_rockin_roadhouse_00089580

February 9, Saturday, 7:00-9:00 PM – With Arthur Neilson,  at Ruthie’s Bar-B-Q & Pizza, 64 1/2 Chestnut Ave, Montclair  (973) 509-1134 
Many a moon has passed since the last time I played with the amazing Arthur Nielson, so this is very special to me.   Come on down, have some BBQ or pizza and enjoy.
http://www.ruthiesbbq.com/
http://www.arthurneilson.com/

November 19, 2018:      Can I decline my receipt?

If you have already looked at the attached pictures, you are likely saying WTF?   Let me take a step back and explain.I am a proud card carrying CVS Extracare^© member.   To be more accurate, while I have actually lost the physical card itself I still consider myself a member in good standing.   This entitles me to all sorts of benefits – among which are reduced prices on my purchases of shampoo, tooth paste, dental floss, what not.     Another benefit is that you get special discounts not available to the general public.

And (as the song goes) here’s where my troubles begin . . . . 

I recently purchased a pack of gum from CVS, and my receipt was, ummm, a bit lengthy.  To be more precise, my receipt was 55 and 3/8 inches long by x 3 and 1/16 inches wide.    

By way of reference, my pack of gum was 3 and 5/16 inches long by 1 and 7/8 inches wide.

For those of you who are mathematically inclined the ratio is (55.375 * 3.0625) / (3.3125 * 1.875) = 27.3 something-or-other.   In other words, the receipt is 27 times the size of the item I purchased.  Feel free to check my math, I might have made a mistake. 

Meanwhile,  why is the $^*&#@* receipt so large?   Because of all the special discounts on it.   They’ve got discounts coming out the wazoo.   But. . . these discounts are useless for all practical purposes – cuz they’re based on what you just bought.    So if you just purchased shampoo, they give you a discount for shampoo – but – the discount expires within two weeks.   So unless you have just opened up a hair salon or are binging on head washing, you’re never gonna use the danged coupon.

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Question: What do you call a man with a receipt on his head?
Answer: Bill   (cue the rim shot)

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November 24th, Saturday, 7:00PM-9:00 – with Bob Mellman at Ruthie’s BBQ, 64 1/2 Chestnut Ave, Montclair  (973) 509-1134 
My buddy Bob Mellman and I will be having fun playing some blues, some rock & roll, a few sort of folkie numbers, and (of course) some Dylan.
http://www.ruthiesbbq.com/

December 21, Friday, 7:00PM-9:00ish – Better Off Dead – at Ruthie’s BBQ, 64 1/2 Chestnut Ave, Montclair  (973) 509-1134 
Friday Nights are always hopping at Ruthie’s.  If you want a seat, best to show up early.
http://www.betteroffdead.com/home.htm
http://www.ruthiesbbq.com/

December 22, Saturday, 9:00PM-1:00AM – Better Off Dead at The Great Notch Inn, Route 46, Little Falls  (973) 256-7742
This is BOD’s annual Christmas extravaganza at “Da Notch”.  VD will put on his Santa outfit, and once again I will have to humiliate myself and wear an elf’s cap.   The things I have to put up with…..
http://www.betteroffdead.com/home.htm/
http://www.agreatertown.com/little_falls_nj/great_notch_inn_new_jerseys_rockin_roadhouse_00089580

September 19, 2018:      Graduation Day

Next Tuesday morning, after I have returned from karate and have had my second cup of coffee – and after I have turned 70 –  I will log onto www.ssa.gov  and complete my application to start receiving Social Security.  

I have actually been looking forward to this for a while.  It feels a bit like the tail end of my senior year in high school.  I’ve been accepted to college, my final grades don’t matter much, I’ve got my summer job lined up, and I’m just biding my time to get out into the world. 

Of course, this analogy has some flaws.   Other analogies might be taking a victory lap – OR – getting a painful tooth pulled.

Onward . . . . 

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September 22nd, Saturday, 8:30ish PM-11:30ish – Shuffle Jump & Moan at at Maxfields on Main, 713 Main Street, Boonton, New Jersey 07005  973-588-4450
Special guest Larry “the Lip” Lipschultz will be joining us on harmonica.
http://www.maxfieldsonmain.com/
http://www.betteroffdead.com/home.htm/

September 23rd, Sunday, 2:00 PM  Somewhere, some place?
I am told that there is some private event I will be attending.  Maybe you know about it – if not, don’t worry.

October 19th, Friday, 7:00PM-9:00 – Better Off Dead at Ruthie’s BBQ, 64 1/2 Chestnut Ave, Montclair  (973) 509-1134
http://www.betteroffdead.com/home.htm/
http://www.ruthiesbbq.com/

October 27th, Saturday, 9:00PM-1:00AM – Better Off Dead at The Great Notch Inn, Route 46, Little Falls  (973) 256-7742
Halloween time at the Notch.  Once again I will steal a wizard hat that my daughter used when she tricked & treated 15 years ago.
http://www.betteroffdead.com/home.htm/
http://www.agreatertown.com/little_falls_nj/great_notch_inn_new_jerseys_rockin_roadhouse_00089580

October 31th, Wednesday, 8:30 PM-11:30ish – Better Off Dead at at Maxfields on Main, 713 Main Street, Boonton, New Jersey 07005  973-588-4450st
Halloween redux in Boonton.  This time it’s for real.
http://www.maxfieldsonmain.com/
http://www.betteroffdead.com/home.htm/

August 2, 2018:      A few of our favorite things (these are)

Buddhism teaches that you should not become attached to your worldly possessions – or something along those lines.  I tried googling this and my eyes glazed over (MEGO) after a few minutes.   

But I’ve got no beef with the general notion.   I’ve tried to put myself in the position of those unfortunate folks in out in California who lost their houses in those forest fires.   How would I feel if that happened to me (assuming of course no one I loved or cared about died or was injured)?   Well, it would be a bummer, but, apart from the old photo albums and a few pieces of art work, everything else is just . . .  stuff – and stuff is replaceable.

Well that and . . . . . our favorite cups.  

Yes, it’s pretty silly, but Lisa & I each have our favorite matching cups that we use for both coffee and tea.   After we have our morning coffee we wash them out so that we can re-use them later in the day for afternoon or evening tea.  We have dozens of other cups that are perfectly acceptable – they do an excellent job of holding hot & cold beverages and we also have a working dishwasher.  But in spite of this we continue to wash our favorite cups by hand after every use just in case. . .     I have no idea when or how this started, but it’s been going on for a long time.  

Is there anything special about these cups?   I dunno.   I mean they’re certainly nice enough as far as cups go.  But I’ll let you decide.    I’ve attached a photo of the cups in question – I tried to organize the photo like a modern renaissance still life painting.   In case you’re curious, Lisa’s cup is on the right and mine is on the left, and yes we do most of our food shopping at Trader Joe’s.

And speaking of stuff – if you have never seen it, George Carlin has the definitive take on “stuff” – George Carlin Talks About “Stuff”

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August 3rd, Friday, 9:00 PM-11:30ish – Better Off Dead at Maxfields on Main, 713 Main Street, Boonton, New Jersey 07005  (973) 588-4450
http://www.betteroffdead.com/home.htm/
http://www.maxfieldsonmain.com/

August 11th, Saturday, 9:00PM-1:00AM – Better Off Dead at The Great Notch Inn, Route 46, Little Falls  (973) 256-7742
http://www.betteroffdead.com/home.htm/
http://www.agreatertown.com/little_falls_nj/great_notch_inn_new_jerseys_rockin_roadhouse_00089580

June 10, 2018:      The Ides of June

My latest composition – Bounce #3 – is having its premier performance next Friday, June 15th, 7:30, at the National Opera Center on 7th Avenue in New York, along with the works of 7 other composers in the New York Composer’s Collective.

Admission is $12 online and $15 at the door. 
You can order tickets online here:  
http://www.composerscollective.org/season-current/

Whatever happened to Bounces #1 & #2 (I hear you ask)?  Well . . .  sometimes things don’t happen in the order you expected.

Full details are just below:

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Friday, June 15, 2018 – 7:30 PM – The Ides of June
National Opera Center
330 7th Ave, 7th floor
New York, NY 10001

Con Vivo Music (collective of musicians headquartered in Jersey City) will be premiering eight new musical works for a mixed ensemble including flute, clarinet, viola, piano, and guitar by vibrant New York City composers Rosemary Derocher, Kit Goldstein Grant, Eric Heilner, Terence Petersen, Neil Radisch, Hany Rizkalla, Jude Thomas, and George Tsouris.  The composers will be in attendance and available to meet-and-great at a reception afterward.  Come on out to be the first to hear the works brought forward by this musically diverse group of voices!

May 18, 2018:      Silicon Valley WHERE (wolf) 

Here’s the pilot episode of my latest idea for a TV series .  It’s a comedy horror mashup . . .

Wilson Heuristic Established Research Enterprise (AKA WHERE, Inc) is a Silicon Valley based computer gaming company.    WHERE’s  ace computer programmer – Garrett – has developed a new piece of software.  The program – iScream – allows a user to take live movies and transform them into horror movies by altering faces and scenery – all in real time.   

While the program is very successful, Garrett is depressed because he recently broke up with his girlfriend.  To try to forget her, he goes backpacking alone deep in the woods of Southern Bavaria.  One night, when the moon is full, and having nothing better to do he takes out his iPad and opens up iScream.   At that moment he is attacked by a huge wolf.   Garrett scares off the wolf by turning his iPad around – the wolf (yes a werewolf) sees himself as a human and gets confused.   However, in the attack Garrett is bitten.

Back home in Silicon Valley, Garrett resumes his regular life working at WHERE, Inc.    But at the next full moon Garrett is transformed into a werewolf.  Garrett runs outside and kills & eats various neighborhood pets.   Garrett has no memory of this.  But the next day, as he hears this on the news he looks around his apartment and notices pieces of bloody fur on the rug.   He has a thought.  He goes back and re-plays the iScream movie from his vacation and he realizes what has happened.   He has become the WHERE (wolf)

That’s as far as I’ve gotten in this story.  Somehow he has to come to grips with this.  He’s got a new girlfriend, he needs to make a special presentation at a conference that is taking place at the next full moon, etc, etc.

BTW, for those of you who are not computer geeks, the mis-spelling of werewolf is also a computer joke.

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May 19th, Saturday, 8:30 PM-11:30ish – Shuffle, Jump, and Moan at Maxfields on Main, 713 Main Street, Boonton, New Jersey 07005  (973) 588-4450
SJ&M are back at one of our favorite haunts.   No it’s nowhere near Halloween, so any haunting will be virtual, but we’ll do our best.  Great food, great vibe.
http://www.maxfieldsonmain.com/
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shuffle-Jump-Moan/379081422265206?fref=ts

June 3rd, Sunday, 12:00 PM-1:00PM – Shuffle, Jump, and Moan Fort Lee Music Festival, Lemoine Avenue between Main Street and Bruce Reynolds Boulevard, Fort Lee, NJ 07024 
I’ve played this festival before and it’s very lively.  Hopefully the weather will cooperate. . .
https://festivalnet.com/41366/Fort-Lee-New-Jersey/Music-Festivals/Fort-Lee-Arts-Music-Fest
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shuffle-Jump-Moan/379081422265206?fref=ts

June 9th, Saturday, 9:00PM-1:00AM – Better Off Dead at The Great Notch Inn, Route 46, Little Falls  (973) 256-7742
It’s almost summer and the bikes should be out in full force. Don’t be alarmed by the construction, “Da Notch” is doing just fine. 
http://www.betteroffdead.com/home.htm/
http://www.agreatertown.com/little_falls_nj/great_notch_inn_new_jerseys_rockin_roadhouse_00089580

June 23rd, Saturday, 8:30 PM-11:30ish – Better Off Dead at Maxfields on Main, 713 Main Street, Boonton, New Jersey 07005  (973) 588-4450
No WHERE (wolfs) will be harmed during this show. 
http://www.betteroffdead.com/home.htm/
http://www.maxfieldsonmain.com/