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Eric Heilner

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Where is Eric-2015.01

January 15, 2015:      Customer Service

When it comes to computers at home, I’ve been an Apple user since the mid 90s.   Now I’m not one of these Apple “fanboys”.   I don’t wait in line eagerly awaiting the next technical toy, and I don’t salivate looking at CPU specs or how much RAM I can get inside.  I started using MACS mostly because they were marginally easier to use than PCs and because they had a reputation for being more reliable.   After using them for 20 years I’m not so sure about the whole reliability thing.   Perhaps it’s just me.  I have a propensity for trashing hard drives.   It seems like nearly every Mac we’ve ever owned has had hard drive issues at one time or another.  I’m not sure how to account for this.   At my day job I have a reputation for being a “bug magnet”.   If a piece of software has a bug in it, it seems like I stumble across it in a matter of minutes, so perhaps this is related.

Anyway, recently we started having problems with our year old kitchen compute – the back ups weren’t working.   I called up the Apple help line, we went through some tests, and I was told to bring our machine into the Apple store to be checked out.   If you’ve never been in a Mac store, you need to try it out at least once in your lifetime.   It’s one of those things like going to a race track or the Grand Canyon.   Put it on your bucket list.    From my perspective it’s a something bizarre out of body experience.   The place is brightly lit and clean to a fault.  The expression ‘you can eat off the floor’ comes to mind.  In this case you can eat off the laptops.  The staff all look like pre-teenagers to me and they are annoyingly cute, enthusiastic, helpful, and cheerful   It’s sort of a techno Munchkinland.   Anyway, their “genius bar” guy put it “on the scope”, and sure enough, yet again, the hard drive was shot.  I have long since learned to buy the 3 year AppleCare warranty, so everything was covered.   However the hard drive was not in stock, and it would not be available for at least 4 days.   What are ya gonna do?   I had no choice in the matter.   

The Korn-Heilner household spent 4 whole days without our trusty kitchen computer.   I can report that we all survived.  It was like being in the 20th century all over again.  We had to watch TV and read books and talk to each other.   After 4 days, the Apple people called up and said, “OK, it’s working, but….”    But what?   “We spotted a few pixels out on the monitor, so would you mind waiting another day and we’ll replace the monitor.”    OK.  So a day later I had my Mac back with a new hard drive AND a new monitor.   Now that’s outstanding customer service.   In spite of everything, I think we’ll stick with Apple.

BTW – Simultaneous to all this, the hard drive also went out on my work computer.  And one week later, the backup hard drive at home also failed.

Bug magnet.

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Jan 17, Saturday, 8:00PM-10:30PM – Shuffle, Jump, and Moan at Hat City, 459 Valley Street,  City of Orange, NJ 07050 (862) 252-9147
You will get excellent customer service at Hat City, along with some excellent folks on stage.  If you want a table, reservations are suggested as the front area typically gets sold out.  You can also hang out at the bar if you’re not in the mood for food.  Hat City is clean, it has a good sound system, and it has excellent New Orleans style food.   I believe there’s a cover charge of $10, but call ahead to confirm.
http://www.hatcitykitchen.com
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shuffle-Jump-Moan/379081422265206

Jan 30, Friday, 8:00 PM-11 PM – Shuffle, Jump, and Moan at Maxfields on Main, 713 Main Street, Boonton, New Jersey 07005  973-588-4450This will be SJ&M’s third visit to the neat little place nestled in the middle of historic downtown Boonton.  I am told that this location was once the fire house for Boonton.  The owners are enthusiastic blues fans and the vibe is great.  
http://www.maxfieldsonmain.com/
https://www.facebook.com/pages/Shuffle-Jump-Moan/379081422265206

Where is Eric-2014.12

December 15, 2014:      How to Handle Holiday Greetings

In these confusing times we live in, here is a helpful guide to handle various situations.

What to say if someone wishes you a Merry Christmas and you don’t celebrate Christmas?   Merry Christmas to you too!

What to say if someone wishes you a Happy Holiday and you are a deeply religious Christian?   A Happy Holiday to you too!

What to say if someone wishes you a Happy Hanukah and you don’t celebrate Hanukah?   And a Happy Hanukah to you too!   {putting in that “And” is appropriate)

What to say if someone wishes you Merry Festivus?   Merry Festivus to you too!

What should you say to the woman behind the counter at the kosher bakery on Grand Street?   Thank you.

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Speaking of holiday stuff, this month my playing time is limited to the Better off Dead New York New Jersey/Metropolitan Area Christmas Extravaganza Tour  – better known as BoDNYNJMACET.   I already missed posting about the opening show at Ruthie’s last Friday (neglected to get this out in time) but you can catch any of the remaining stops on the tour.  VD King has a knack for picking out Christmas/Holiday songs that are, umm, slightly off the beaten path.   One of my favorites is “All I Got for Christmas was Drunk”.  There’s a good chance that one or more of the band members  will be in full Santa Claus gear.  I will have to endure the indignity of wearing an elf hat.   The things I do……

December 19, Friday, 8:00PM-8:45PM – mini-Better Off Dead, Path Café, , 131 Christopher St, Little Falls  (212) 243-1311
Christine Santelli normally runs a song writer workshop on Wednesdays here (which I highly recommend), but for 45 minutes this Wednesday she’s letting the “mini acoustic” version of Better of Dead take over.   They have a real live piano here, so I don’t have to lug any equipment.  Yea!
http://www.betteroffdead.com/home.htm/
http://www.pathcafe.com/


December 19, Friday, 9:00PM-1:00AM – Better Off Dead at The Great Notch Inn, Route 46, Little Falls  (973) 256-7742
Close to home and in full R&R mode.  
http://www.betteroffdead.com/home.htm/
http://www.agreatertown.com/little_falls_nj/great_notch_inn_new_jerseys_rockin_roadhouse_00089580

I will not have to unload my equipment after the show, since….

December 20, Saturday, 9:00PM-12:00 – Better Off Dead, The Lincoln Inn, 13 Lincoln St, Jersey City  (201) 659-8686
If there are any songs that we did not get right the previous night (or did not play), then please let us know and we will do our best to make amends.  The Lincoln Inn is a new venue for us North Jersey blues folks.  It’s in the heart of Jersey City Heights, it’s comfortable, and while the menu is small the food is good.
http://www.betteroffdead.com/home.htm/http://thelincolninnjc.com/

Where is Eric-2014.11

October 31, 2014:      Turning 25?  


Hard as it is for me to believe, my kids – Josh & Hannah –  are turning 25 tomorrow (if it wasn’t obvious, yes they’re twins).   It’s still a little hard to accept the fact that I can’t pick them up, hold them in my arms and cuddle them.   At best that would be a little strange, at worse it might get me arrested.   But meanwhile, 25?   In some ways 25 is the ideal age.   I remember being 25.   You’re all grown up, but you’re not old.   When you turn 26 – then you start realizing that soon you’ll be thirty, and by then it’s all over – you might as well check into a retirement home.

Speaking of birthdays, here in the Korn-Heilner household getting the right birthday card has become sort of a competitive sport.  Typically the conversations start a week before someone’s birthday .  

“Did you get a card for [….]?”
“I got one but I don’t know if it’s good.  Here, what do you think?”
“Yeah, you’re right.  It’s not appropriate, he/she will not get the joke”
“I think I saw one at CVS last week that was perfect, but then I didn’t get it”
Etc
Etc

I think I’m partly to blame.  I can’t resist the greeting card aisles.  You can take me anywhere – to the supermarket, to a hardware store, to an antique shop filled with expensive and beautiful furniture – and I’ll end up at the greeting card rack.   I’ve built up quite a collection over the years.    It’s not really a hobby.  I buy them, show them to my wife (unless they are intended for her) and then throw them in one of several drawers and forget about them.   Who knows.  Maybe one day they’ll be worth some money – like very rare baseball cards or comic books.

Needless to say this is not part of my retirement plan.

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Nov 1, Saturday, 9:00PM-12:00 – Arthur Neilson and his Kick Ass Band, The Lincoln Inn, 13 Lincoln St, Jersey City  (201) 659-8686
It’s been a long, long wait to get the opportunity to pay with Arthur.  There are very few people on this planet for whom I will kick ass, and Arthur is on that short list.   For those of you who are not familiar with him, Arthur is a phenomenal guitarist and singer who tours world wide with Shemekia Copeland (google her) and rarely gets to play locally with his own band – so this is a special occasion.   The Lincoln Inn is a new venue for us North Jersey blues folks.  I t’s in the heart of Jersey City Heights, it’s comfortable, and while the menu is small the food is good.
http://www.arthurneilson.com/
http://thelincolninnjc.com/

Nov 8, Saturday, 8-9:30 PM – Lunatic Fringe,  Chatham Playhouse, 23 North Passaic Avenue, Chatham NJ, NJ   Reservations: (973) 429-1527
Speaking of milestone birthdays, Lunatic Fringe is now in its 18th season which means it’s old enough to vote.   Hey, and why not?   If corporations have freedom of speech and religion, then comedy improv groups should have the right to vote.  Anyway, this is a brand new (and very cool) venue for “The Fringe”.  Come and laugh.  Tickets are $12; $10 with a reservation.  Seniors (hey that’s me!) and Students:  $12; $10 with a reservation
http://www.lunaticfringeimprov.com
http://www.facebook.com/group.php?gid=53938723078&ref=ts


Nov 9, Sunday, 4:00 PM-7 PM – Shuffle, Jump, and Moan at Maxfields on Main, 713 Main Street, Boonton, New Jersey 07005  973-588-4450
If you’ve never been there, I recommend a sight seeing visit to Boonton.   It’s at the top of a hill, and the downtown has these winding narrow streets that remind me of some towns in Italy.  OK, maybe that’s a little bit of a stretch, but it’s still really neat.  Maxfields is a cute location tucked in the middle of the block.  The owners are music lovers and the food and vibe are great.  SJ & M was in great form last week at Hat City and we’ll be full of energy, since this is the middle of the afternoon.  You should be able to get  home in time to catch most of 60 Minutes.
http://www.maxfieldsonmain.com/

November 22, Saturday, 9:00PM-1:00AM – Better Off Dead at The Great Notch Inn, Route 46, Little Falls  (973) 256-7742
There was a neat write up of the history of the Great Notch Inn recently in Weird New Jersey magazine; it’s worth checking out.   This place goes wa-a-ay back in time.  VD King and Better off Dead do not go quite as far back, but they are a Great Notch institution.   Come out and boogie – and work off a few pounds to get ready for Thanksgiving.
http://www.betteroffdead.com/home.htm/
http://www.agreatertown.com/little_falls_nj/great_notch_inn_new_jerseys_rockin_roadhouse_00089580

Where is Eric-2014.10

October 9, 2014:      A Day in My Boring Life

I confess – I’m a pretty boring person and I lead a pretty boring life.  Here’s my daily routine:

AM
5:00 – Get up.  Why am I doing this to myself?  Why am I getting up at 5 in the AM?  I could be asleep in a nice cozy bed.
5:10 – Time to make the coffee.
5:11 – Turn on the radio.
5:12 – Stare into space
5:15 – Make breakfast.  Nature’s Path Flax Plus cereal with some banana with skim milk.   Same thing every morning.
5:20 – Open up my laptop, log into my work e-mail.  See if anything earth shattering happened overnight.  Nope.
5:25 – Stare into space.
5:30 – Eat breakfast, drink coffee with skim milk.
5:40 – Go upstairs, get dressed, brush teeth.
5:55 – Leave house, walk to train.
6:06 – Catch train.   Do some work on the train.
6:50 – Arrive in NY Penn Station.  Walk to 23rd street.  Hmm, let’s see.  How should I cut across to 6th Avenue ?  30th St?  29th?  Maybe I should go all the way down to 23rd.  Decisions, decisions.
7:05 – Arrive at karate dojo.  Stretch, warm up, then do an hour of punishing physical exercise.  I’m 66 years old, why am I doing this to myself?  I could be asleep in a nice cozy bed.
8:30 – I survive karate. Shower, leave for office.
9:00 – Get a roll and butter in Penn Station.
9:10 – Elevator up to office.  Drink more coffee, eat roll & butter.
9:15 – Work, work work.   Program those computers, deal with 1001 little technical details.  

PM
1:30 – Jeez, it’s 1:30 already.  Go downstairs, get a medium size cup of split pea soup and bread.   
1:40 – Back in the office.  Slurp lunch while I’m work, work working.   Program those computers, deal with 1001 little technical details.   At least the day goes by fast.
5:30 -> Elevator to Penn Station, catch train home, more work on the train.
6:30 – Finally home.  OK, this is nice.   Kiss Lisa, catch up with her day, dinner, watch some TV, do some music, look at Facebook (guilty pleasure). 
11:00 – Sleep.

Next day, same old, same old.

OK.  Occasionally some nice things happen to break up my routine.   For example, for my birthday I got a yoga mat – in a nice shade of blue no less.  Finally, the answer to the question  “What do you get for the guy who’s got everything?”   

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Oct 11, Saturday, 8:30-12:30ish AM – Smyle Alumni Reunion Show at The Ringside Pub, 379 Bloomfield Ave, Caldwell, New Jersey (973) 226-6781
It was just a year ago, practically to the day, that I reconnected with my old (in many ways) buddies from the 70s.   Smyle was one of the top bands in the legendary 1970s era when the whole NJ club scene was at its peak.   We’ll be doing a variety of classic and contemporary rock & roll tunes. 
https://www.facebook.com/pages/RINGSIDE-PUB/261937786738
https://www.facebook.com/pages/SMyle-Band/116397515084170
https://www.facebook.com/events/657258991037874/


Oct 18, Saturday, 7:00-10:00 PM – Smyle at Just Jakes, 30 Park Street Montclair, NJ (973) 655-8987In a rare alignment of the planets, I’m doing back to back shows with Smyle.  This one, however, is special.  I will be reuniting with my partners in crime from The RIck Dufay Band (google him) – the amazing rhythm section of Gary & Jeff Seitz on bass & drums respectively.   Not only that, but this is on my home turf, so I’m expecting all my Montclair homies to come on down.  For this show, we’ll be doing some Pink Floyd and ELP (for those of you who know what ELP stands for).   It will be a far departure from the usual rhythm & blues that most folks associate me with.
https://www.facebook.com/pages/SMyle-Band/116397515084170
http://www.justjakes.com/


Oct 18, Saturday, 9:00PM-1:00AM – Better Off Dead at The Great Notch Inn, Route 46, Little Falls  (973) 256-7742
Normally I would be rocking the night away over at “Da Notch” but I could not squeeze in both shows in one night.   But if you can’t make it to Just Jakes, or if you still have left over energy, it’s a 10 minute drive up Valley Road to Route 46 to The Great Notch.   Better Off Dead will continue to kick ass in my absence.   -Thanks VD!
http://www.betteroffdead.com/home.htm
http://www.agreatertown.com/little_falls_nj/great_notch_inn_new_jerseys_rockin_roadhouse_00089580


Oct 25, Saturday, 8:00PM-10:30PM – Shuffle, Jump, and Moan at Hat City, 459 Valley Street,  City of Orange, NJ 07050 (862) 252-9147
The last show was sold out.   OK, you could hang out at the bar, but if you want a table, you should make a reservation.   We will have the full contingent of 6 warm bodies on stage.   Hat City is clean, it has a good sound system, and it has excellent New Orleans style food.   I believe there’s a cover charge of $10, but call ahead to confirm.
http://www.hatcitykitchen.com

Where is Eric-2014.09

September 5, 2014:      Can I retire now?  Please?

A little while back, my company hosted a retirement seminar.   The first thing that happens is they give you a spreadsheet to help you figure out how close you are to “realizing your retirement goals”.    The first question on the spreadsheet is: How long are you planning on living?”   Hmmm.   I didn’t have a ready answer to this question, so I did a quick google search of the web to get an answer.  I typed in “How long is Eric Heilner going to live” but I got no search results that answered this particular question.    Nothing on yahoo.   Nothing on wikipedia.   Nothing on www.how_long_are_you_going_to_live.com.   

Anyway, I plowed though the rest of the spreadsheet and made the best guesses I could to various questions such as  “Do you plan on traveling?”,  “Do you want to live in a house or a cardboard box?” , and  “Are you OK with dog food being a regular part of your diet?”.     The long & short of it is that I do have choices.   If the answers to those three questions are “No”, “Cardboard box”, and “Yes”, then I could retire today.   The problem is that I’ve gotten used to this cushy life style I lead – I really like living in a nice house in The People’s Republic of Montclair, eating at nice restaurants, going to shows, etc.    If I were OK moving to Topeka, Kansas and living in a one bedroom condo I could retire today; but I’d be rather unhappy in the heartland.   Not that there’s anything wrong with Topeka – I’m sure that it is filled with wonderful, hard working people.  It’s just not for me.

I remember back in the 70s reading an interview in Rolling Stone magazine with Steven Stills – in the interview he made some comment that he couldn’t live on less than $50,000 dollars a year.   At the time I was living in a tiny apartment with 2 other guys and barely scraping by on the little money I was making gigging.  I remember being indignant.   What is it with this rich spoiled guy?   Today my response would be “How’s he gonna get by on only $50K”?

So what can a poor boy do?  Well, it depends on how long I plan on living.  According to the spreadsheets, if I’m planning on living until I’m 85, I can retire at 70 and I’ll  have just enough money to pay that last cable bill before shuffling off this mortal coil .  If I’m planning on living until I’m 90, I’ll have to work until I’m 80.  But if I’m planning on living until 95?  I’ll have to work until I’m 92 – so I can enjoy those last 3 years drooling in front of the TV.

I exaggerate for comic effect.   

But not by much.

Meanwhile, I gotta cut this discussion short – gotta catch the 8:18 train to work.

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Sept 7, Sunday, 5:00PM-6:00PM – Shuffle, Jump, and Moan at Towaco Blues festival, 632 Main Rd, Towaco, NJ 07082 
Shuffle, Jump, and Moan is headlining this all afternoon affair.  Besides the music there will be arts & rafts booths, food, entertainment for the kids, etc.   The weather forecast is excellent for Sunday and the drive out on route 202 is beautiful once you get past the malls. 
http://thealternativepress.com/articles/rain-date-towaco-music-and-arts-festival-on-sunday

Sept 20, Saturday, Better Off Dead at Ruthie’s Annual Block Party, Ruthie’s BBQ, 64 1/2 Chestnut Ave, Montclair  (973) 509-1134
This one is not 100% confirmed.  The party was originally supposed to be tomorrow but we’re rescheduling due to the weather forecast.  Besides BOD, Enzo & the Bakers are on the calendar.  If you’re thinking of coming I suggest checking in at Ruthie’s web site or give them a call to verify the date & time.
http://www.betteroffdead.com/home.htm
http://www.ruthiesbbq.com/

Where is Eric-2014.08

August 2, 2014:      Senior Citizenship

In some previous posts I have noted an alarming trend in my life in which people take me for being elderly.   I’m still not used to it.   I’m walking down the street or on the subway minding my own business when, seemingly out of nowhere, some random unexpected “elderly event” happens.  Here’s the latest.

I recently bought some bus tickets but they were the wrong type and they expired – so I went over to the Port Authority to see if they could be exchanged.  The woman behind the ticket booth told me I was out of luck, and then – without hesitation – without hesitation! – she said “Sir, you may be eligible for senior citizen discount.”  What?  What?  Huh?    Oh…..    So I go over to the customer service area and, sure enough, I walk out with a booklet of senior citizen discount tickets.   And here’s what I wasn’t expecting – I get bus tickets at half price.  Now we’re talking some real money here, not like a mere 2 dollars off in the movies.

I don’t quite get it.  If I were retired and living on a fixed income I could see the reasoning.  But I’m a working bloke and I making a decent living – so why do I rate – as opposed to some poor twenty something slob who’s out of college and unemployed?   Maybe it’s some sort of reward for surviving?   I dunno.

But meanwhile, I’m not turning this down.  If I buy enough bus tickets, I can save up the money for a new piano.

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Aug 2, Saturday, 7:00-9:00ish PM – Better Off Dead, Ruthie’s BBQ, 64 1/2 Chestnut Ave, Montclair  (973) 509-1134
If the weather is good we’ll be out on the veranda, otherwise there will be a sight to behold inside with 5 musicians crammed into the little corner at Ruthie’s – we did it last time, but I was very tightly wedged in.  As always, BYO at Ruthie’s and be patient when ordering food – it’s worth the wait.
http://www.betteroffdead.com/home.htm
http://www.ruthiesbbq.com/

Aug 6, Wednesday, 8:00 PM-11:30ish PM – Shuffle, Jump, and Moan at Maxfields on Main, 713 Main Street, Boonton, New Jersey 07005  973-588-4450
This is the second of a three stop New Jersey tour for Shuffle, Jump, and Moan.  Last week was Robin’s Nest in Linden, here we’re in Boonton, and we end up in Orange.  My musical compatriots in other bands have been saying  good things about this brand new venue out in the historic downtown section of Boonton.  The owners are music lovers and the vibe is great.
http://www.maxfieldsonmain.com/

Aug 9, Saturday, 8:00PM-10:30PM – Shuffle, Jump, and Moan at Hat City, 459 Valley Street,  City of Orange, NJ 07050 (862) 252-9147We’ll be doing an extended show at Hat City this time.  No second act – so I won’t have to go crazy and scramble to get my equipment off the stage just after playing.  The food is excellent, I’ve been there on off nights just for dinner.  I believe there’s a $10 cover charge.
http://www.hatcitykitchen.com

Aug 16, Saturday, 9:00PM-1:00AM – Better Off Dead at The Great Notch Inn, Route 46, Little Falls  (973) 256-7742
It’s my kid sister’s birthday and she’s turning 60.  Yikes!  My bratty little kid sister who ended up being this great person with an amazing musical career (look up Animal Logic).  Early Happy B’day Debbie (that’s Deborah to everyone else).  Meanwhile, where was I?  Oh yeah.  I may not make this show, Lisa and I are taking some vacation days and we may be out of town, but that’s no reason not to show up.  It’s August, and it’ll be a great summer night at “Da Notch”
http://www.betteroffdead.com/home.htm
http://www.agreatertown.com/little_falls_nj/great_notch_inn_new_jerseys_rockin_roadhouse_00089580

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